The One About Angels and Spleens

The One About Angels and Spleens

Next week, I’m taking a friend of mine to the movies. That makes it sound like she’s my 85-year-old grandmother who’s going for a field trip now that she’s confined to the dementia section of Sunset Manor, but the truth is so much worse.

My friend very recently flew all the way to Colorado so that someone could remove a large section of her liver and give it to someone else so that someone else could, you know, live. Yes, she is brave and amazing and so going to get the coolest, most badass pair of angel wings you have ever seen. Big fluffy ones that will never get matted or dirty or wrinkle unlike mine, which will always sort of look like they’ve been soaked in toilet water. But you can’t tell her that because she is so goddamn tired of people telling her that, which I totally understand.

But let’s get back to the part where it affects me, shall we?

I am taking her to the movies because she isn’t allowed to drive yet. “Why?” you ask. BECAUSE IF THERE WAS AN ACCIDENT HER INCISION MIGHT BURST OPEN AND HER REMAINING INTERNAL ORGANS COULD FALL OUT.

I am so not kidding.

I can’t take that kind of pressure, people.

Do you know what traffic in L.A. is like? The odds of there being spleen all over my dashboard are 2 to 1, at least.

So I’m doing the only sensible thing. I’m buying bubble wrap. Enough bubble wrap to encircle the palace at Versailles twice. And when I’ve wrapped her in that, I’m laying her across the backseat and then filling the whole thing with foam packing peanuts. There is an excellent chance she’ll suffocate, but by God, when we get to the ticket counter, she will have every single one of her organs inside her body.

And I’ll need a Xanax.


  • Jessica

    04.08.2009 at 18:50

    Hilarious Ashley! But I have to say that wrangling you on Xanax and Ashley W in bubble-wrap is seriously going to test my ability to keep the show together. I am picturing the moment when Prince Xanax takes over, you suddenly see Ashley’s bubble-wrapped body anew, and cannot the resist the urge to start popping the bubbles…one…at…a…time.

  • A.H. Ream

    04.08.2009 at 19:09

    But think how funny that will be later…

  • Dustin

    06.08.2009 at 00:03

    Save that bubble wrap! Hours and hours of fun at the hospital while they stuff those organs back in and sew Ash up.

  • Ryan

    12.08.2009 at 10:57

    Only problem is, once you get to the movie people keep coming over and popping it all.