Dear DMV, I Hate You

I moved, but this blog post is not about moving. Not exactly. It’s about what happens when you try to change your address with the California DMV. Word of advice. If you live in California and need to move, just leave the state. The whole bloody thing. Just go because I assure you living in Alaska and fighting off rampaging bull moose in heat will be less painful that using the California DMV website.

First off, you have to register to use the website, which is fine. It lulls you into complacency because the hell that is the website doesn’t really begin until you log on with your fancy new password.

Next you’ll have to find the section on the website for changing your address. Good luck with that. I suggest you block off a whole Wednesday, and don’t even think about checking the FAQ. This is not a frequently asked question because everyone knows how horrible changing your address with the DMV is, and so they’ve all taken up moose wrangling rather than submit the question.

Once you’ve found the hidden, secret address portion of the site, you’ll fill out the form and hit submit. You might think this would submit your information. It won’t because the website will need to crash seven or eight times forcing you back to the same form, which is now empty of all of your information again and again and again.

Suicidal yet?

Don’t worry. You will be.

There’s another form for stating that you’re actually taking your vehicle with you to your new address. Yes, really. Apparently there was some possibility that I would pack up all of my dishes and the big box of tampons from Costco but leave behind my Honda.

So yes, I tell the site. I’m taking my car with me, but that’s not good enough. I have to go down to the garage in the freezing cold and get my vehicle registration slip from the glove box because despite the fact that they are the people that issued it to me in the first place, they know none of the information on it. I have to retype everything include the VIN, which contains approximately 752 digits. I know this because the website crashed more than a dozen times forcing me to retype it again and again and again and again and again until I thought I might actually need to strangle myself with my computer’s power cord.

And when finally, FINALLY the information went through, they asked if I might like to fill out a customer satisfaction survey. OMFG yes. Yes. For the first time in my life, I really, really, really want to fill out that survey. So I clicked “yes.”

Then the website informed me that feature was no longer available.

Imagine that.