Fortune Cookies ‘R Us

I recently got a fortune cookie that said: “Your soul is surrounded by calmness.”

(I hear you snickering in the background.)

I’m afraid I’m going to need to speak to the manager about this.

First of all this is not a fortune. A fortune is a future event. This is describing a current situation. I hate when fortune cookies do that. It’s cheating, and I just don’t know how I can be expected to trust a cookie that cheats. The whole thing is enough to put you off your egg rolls.

Also, this is clearly someone else’s cookie. My soul is surrounded by fourteen cups of coffee and some unresolved schoolyard taunting. The closest I get to my soul being surrounded by calmness is when I’m eating the cookie.

Your false flattery doesn’t fool me, Golden Palace “voted best chop suey 2001 and 2002 ™.”

Kinda makes you wonder who writes these things, doesn’t it? I mean don’t they want to at least aim in the general direction of human experience?

I’m going to start my own cookie writing company. We’ll begin with these:

“Your mother-in-law is coming for the holidays, and no, you’re not good enough.”
“Confucius says: I wouldn’t take the freeway home, if I were you.”
“The people at the next table are talking about you. Yes, they are.”
“All that spicy mustard you just ate? Yeah, that’s going to be a mistake.”

I’m taking other suggestions. Feel free to leave them in the comments section.