I understand we have a major holiday coming up, something often referred to in these parts as Christma-kwanzaa-kah. Don’t misunderstand me. I am not the winter solstice Grinch. Any excuse to party like a sun-starved pagan is okay by me, but the blogs are just ruining it. They are ruining it for everyone. Hear that, bloggers?! You are ruining my pagan worship!

Who are these people posting about making eggnog from scratch and “wrap a beautiful gift in 32 easy steps?” And hey you, you with the homemade tree ornaments crafted out of glue sticks and lawn debris, you can just suck it. I DON’T EVEN HAVE A LAWN.

Where is the holiday blog for really stressed out working people who live in megalopolises? People who will spend their time with other stressed out working people drinking heavily and exchanging gifts they bought at CVS on the way home from work the Friday before. “Happy Solstice. Here’s a super-sized box of tissues, a package of store brand gummy bears and some Tums.”

And here’s the thing: There is nothing wrong with those gummy bears. Those gummy bears are fresh. It’s not like I found them in the pocket of a winter coat I haven’t worn since 1997. And who doesn’t like to hang out drinking with their friends? These are good things. Why all the pressure? Even if we wanted to, we don’t have time. What am I going to do? Assemble my gingerbread house while sitting in traffic on the 405? Show up at work with a gumdrop and some icing on my ass?

So here’s the thing. I am out. Hear me, happy homemaker bloggers? I refuse to participate in your holiday mind games. I am not buying one tube of craft glue. I am giving away gift cards and things I find at Target. Or better yet, maybe I’ll just shove a wad of cash in an envelope and mail it to Doctors Without Borders. I am drinking eggnog straight out of the store bought carton, and I am not apologizing.

So there.

Also, you have a gum drop on your ass.